Not Reformed Enough

WARNING: I know this post will be controversial – Which I seldom am here.

I have, for the last few years, become exceedingly concerned about how important it is for some people to be “Reformed” and “Confessional” and “Traditional.” I have seen, read and heard people express this commitment in ways that are sectarian beyond description, blind to the history of both the Reformation and Confessional development, and subordinate the scriptures to systematic theology (which is necessary and inescapable), confessionalism, and modern expressions Calvinism that little resembles Calvin or the 16th century Reformers. Brothers are wiling to discard, discipline and destroy brothers for the sake of what they consider matters of such great importance that the gospel is at stake.

Without agreeing with every point below (which I clearly do not), I offer the following thoughtful satire to illustrate the way this goes from”The Institute”:

This poor schmuck just ain’t Reformed enough for “The Gospel”

The poor schmuck in the photo doesn’t believe “the Gospel” because he struggles with some combination of the following (like me, Doug Hayes). He:

(1) Does not believe that any Reformed confession is divinely inspired and understands a confession to be a consensus document to provide theological space for differences so people can get along and get to work. Subscription to a Confession is the floor not the ceiling.
(2) Believes that the Hebrew word for “day” does not limit the days of creation to a literal 24 hour-day cycle.
(3) Actually thought that “Reformed and always Reforming” was true (what an idiot, what a schmuck).
(4) Believes that Christianity started before 1517.
(5) Does not find evidence in the Bible that drums, guitars, etc. are prohibited in Scripture or that the Bible prescribes everything in worship
(5.5) Does not believe the liturgies of the Geneva and other Reformation churches provide the closed canon for liturgical style in worship.
(6) Reads N.T. Wright (even if he doesn’t agree with Wright on key issues). The poor schmuck didn’t know that reading Wright defiles you and requires priestly purification. Wright reading will land you outside the city gate. (Personal note: this is why I haven’t really read much Wright, and probably won’t, but I do read Thomas Sowell).
(7) Believes that baptized covenant children should be treated as such throughout the liturgical life of the church and not quarantined to “youth and children’s” ministries for outsourced spiritual nurture.
(7.5) Wonders why the Lord’s Supper has such a low sacramental role in “Gospel-centered,” “Christ-centered” Reformed churches that Christ’s people only partake of it monthly (maybe) following the Methodist practice of using grape juice instead of wine like Jesus said? Seriously, grape juice? Why not grape soda or grape kool-aid?
(8) Believes that the tradition of adopting Sunday as “The Lord’s Day” allows him to watch football on Sunday, or even play the game if he’s in shape enough for physical activity (warning: please see a doctor before beginning strenuous physical activity).
(9) Has come to learn that church judicial courts actually play out on the internet (blogs) instead of following denominational procedures developed in accordance with Matt 18 and other conflict resolution passages. Oops! Did you know that blogs are credible and authoritative?
(10) Is willing to say when Roman Catholics, Eastern Orthodox, Anglicans, Lutherans, and others Christian communions “get it right” theologically or otherwise (esp. social issues).
(11) Does not conflate “The Church” of Jesus Christ with his denomination.
(12) Believes the 1973 publication of Rousas J. Rushdoony’s Institutes of Biblical Law and in 1977 of Greg L. Bahnsen’s Theonomy in Christian Ethics both missed the mark (theologically) in key areas.
(13) Remembers the Norman Shepherd controversy on the relationship between justification and the covenant and understands that this new N.T. Wright controversy may just be a variation on theme regarding the level of Lutheran centrality of that doctrine for all Protestants.
(14) Is not a Republican or, even more worse, confesses to be a Democrat–even though libertarianism is more consistent with Althusius!! (haha–fodder for another discussion).
(15) Is more concerned about what women can do in the life of the church than what women cannot do. Rejects the notion that women exist primarily for managing the Kingdom’s hospitality, teaching children, making crafts, baking for church functions and knitting.
(16) Wonders why it is that when conservative Baptist folk join Presbyterian churches those churches tend to become Bapto-Presbyterian with the only distinction between 1st Prez and 1st Baptist being the baptizing of children (maybe) and the occasional consumption cheap beer and bottom-shelf alcohol (maybe). Everything else is the same (Lord’s supper, “youth” ministry, etc.).
(17) Knows that SEC is the best college football conference in America!!

At any rate, the schmuck deserves the stones to hit him right in the head. He should have known better? What a schmuck? Idiot.

I thought I was being provocative with my list and then I saw a similar list here so I added a couple. I hate not being original!!!

by Anthony Bradley

Tags: Anthony Bradley, gospel, Reformed, satire